Little Miss Poopy Pants

Have you ever been in a car with someone who shit themselves after eating a large amount of chicken and cheese from TGI Fridays? I am not talking sharts. I am talking throw your panties away because they were drenched in explosive doo doo.

It all began as a family outing. We were going to have a nice sit down lunch and then head to Big Bone Lick State Park to hang with the bison. I had a full car: the hubs, my 2 sisters and my adorable nephew. My sisters and I act like a bunch of giggling idiots when we get around each other. We get to the restaurant and place our orders. My sister, Kristo, was the last to order. "I will have the shhhicken and shhheese," she tells the server who instantly gives us the stink eye because we are laughing hysterically. It really doesn't take much. Side note- One time my Dad said the word poop and Kristo and I laughed for well over an hour. We think poop is funny.

We all finish our lunch and hop into the car to head to the park.  As I was driving, my other sister, QT, had the misfortune of me slamming on the brakes too quickly which in turn made my to-go box of  Jack Daniel chicken wings spill all over her. We really thought that was going to be the worst thing that was going to happen. We were wrong! We finally arrive at Big Bone and start hiking to find the bison. Sometimes they like to hide and you have to walk around for hours to find them. So what, it feels like hours but it's actually about 15 minutes. I sit down by the fence to see what's going down and I see an enormous bison vagina. I don't hate on bison vagina; it actually made  my day like 10 times better. I was about to be a part of something big.. a baby bison about to be born or my sister shitting herself. Either way, I was looking to have an epic day.

Kristo, looks at me dead serious and says, "Aw man, my stomach hurts. I think I need to poop." I was not concerned about her bowels in the least. There were greater things happening. She says she is going to hike it to the bathrooms and will be right back. Later, B! We were waiting for this damn bison to have the baby forever! Kristo had not returned yet, either. We decided that we should probably make sure she is OK. As I am walking to my car, I see Kristo walking out of  the woods across the street. "What the fuck are you doing in there?"  She has the look of complete shame/embarrassment/disgust on her face. She explains to me that she just had to take a big fucking shit in the woods because the bathrooms were locked. She said she couldn't make it to the other bathroom that was like 1/4 of a mile away. She was trying to explain something about her belt getting stuck and that her pants didn't go all the way down in time. So in a nutshell, she pooped on herself. She walked to the other bathrooms, I was not going to drive her stinky ass, and she threw away her poopy panties and tried to wash some poop off her pants.

I grabbed a plastic bag out of my trunk and made her sit on it. It was a long ride home. I would go from laughing so hard I couldn't even see to drive to gagging so bad I thought I was going to puke. QT had a body mist that she was instructed to spray every 10 seconds or as needed. (Life saver, I think I would have died!)

Kristo made all of us promise that we would never speak of that day again. I think I broke my promise to her that same day. I wish I could have seen a baby bison be born but the alternative was so much better. I think that was the last trip that my hubs took with us.

Stupid racist

I was just remembering a stupid bitch from the hotel this past weekend and decided to blog all over her!

The hotel had 3 rooms left to sell due to it being jazz fest weekend. It's always a busy weekend for every hotel from Cincy to Dayton. Anyway, dude rolled up and needed a room and we were one of the few hotels that had any rooms left to sell. Old dude was every bit of 80 and his little white trash girlfriend was in her mid thirties. It was clear that she had herself a sugar daddy but who am I to judge? As I am getting their info in the system she tells me they have a dog. I tell her that's fine, the hotel is pet friendly. She looks over and sees a black dude and his 3 children looking at a list of movies. She looks at me and tries to keep her voice down and says, "Oh, my dog is racist. She does not like black people." What the fuck did she expect me to say? Oh, I will be sure to keep all black people away from your little racist dog.  She thought she was funny and clearly she was just a stupid ignorant bitch!

Dogs do not have the capacity to be racist. Racism is socially caused and no where near correlated with ANIMALS! She had the nerve to blame her own racism on her dog. If you would even make such a statement, then you are a racist. It may be aversion racism or blatant racism; either way she was a racist.

Below is the closet pic on google images that I could find that kind of looks like her:

 Well, maybe minus the meth sores, but I am sure they are to appear soon. 

This B got me all pissed off! I hope she enjoys her wonderfully sexy 80 year old boyfriend and I take great pleasure in knowing that she is probably judged as much as her "dog" is prejudice!! SAB!!

Here's to happy blogging!

Well, this should be interesting. I have a serious case of the 'now whats'. What's a now what, you ask? Look it up, but I think I just made it up.

So, I just finished my final exam and I am officially a college graduate. I always imagined this day in my head to be that of one in which I am elated with joy and I would actually witness stress leaving my body. I am extremely proud of myself that I actually accomplished a goal, especially one that I never really believed I could or would complete. I just figured that I will believe it when I see it. Well, I have spent the past 8 years of my life juggling school somewhere into my constant busy schedule. I never left home without my backpack in the slight chance that I might get stuck in traffic and need to read a chapter... who does that? My face seemed to always be in a book. I even realize that I probably neglected my children, at times, trying to study or write a paper. There was ALWAYS a deadline that was in my mind. 

I may have been too serious about my studying habits, but I felt that I had something to prove. I was a high school drop out and I had to prove to myself that I was, not only smart enough to graduate college, but to graduate with honors. Was it really necessary? Probably not, but what is done is done. And, I am finito, burrito! And after 8 years of constant stress, worry and endless hours of studying I feel a little lost. I truly feel like, now what?

No more back pack, that's cool, it was starting to stink. No more studying, that's cool, I was over that freshman year. No more papers, note taking, PowerPoint, parking, stressing, ass-kissing, waiting in line for books, and my personal favorite... no more phone calls to the financial aid office that will take up to 2 hours. I am over all of these things but I really don't know what to do without these things. They have become my life and as much as I have bitched and moaned it seems that I grew accustom.

And, so here I blog! Blogging has always been something that I have wanted to try but my response every time was, "I don't have time". I am hoping this will help with my now whats! I guess we will see. I have always wanted to write a book and I think this will help bring back some much needed creativity into my life. Here's to happy blogging.... still learning the ropes.