Have you ever been in a car with someone who shit themselves after eating a large amount of chicken and cheese from TGI Fridays? I am not talking sharts. I am talking throw your panties away because they were drenched in explosive doo doo.
It all began as a family outing. We were going to have a nice sit down lunch and then head to Big Bone Lick State Park to hang with the bison. I had a full car: the hubs, my 2 sisters and my adorable nephew. My sisters and I act like a bunch of giggling idiots when we get around each other. We get to the restaurant and place our orders. My sister, Kristo, was the last to order. "I will have the shhhicken and shhheese," she tells the server who instantly gives us the stink eye because we are laughing hysterically. It really doesn't take much. Side note- One time my Dad said the word poop and Kristo and I laughed for well over an hour. We think poop is funny.
We all finish our lunch and hop into the car to head to the park. As I was driving, my other sister, QT, had the misfortune of me slamming on the brakes too quickly which in turn made my to-go box of Jack Daniel chicken wings spill all over her. We really thought that was going to be the worst thing that was going to happen. We were wrong! We finally arrive at Big Bone and start hiking to find the bison. Sometimes they like to hide and you have to walk around for hours to find them. So what, it feels like hours but it's actually about 15 minutes. I sit down by the fence to see what's going down and I see an enormous bison vagina. I don't hate on bison vagina; it actually made my day like 10 times better. I was about to be a part of something big.. a baby bison about to be born or my sister shitting herself. Either way, I was looking to have an epic day.
Kristo, looks at me dead serious and says, "Aw man, my stomach hurts. I think I need to poop." I was not concerned about her bowels in the least. There were greater things happening. She says she is going to hike it to the bathrooms and will be right back. Later, B! We were waiting for this damn bison to have the baby forever! Kristo had not returned yet, either. We decided that we should probably make sure she is OK. As I am walking to my car, I see Kristo walking out of the woods across the street. "What the fuck are you doing in there?" She has the look of complete shame/embarrassment/disgust on her face. She explains to me that she just had to take a big fucking shit in the woods because the bathrooms were locked. She said she couldn't make it to the other bathroom that was like 1/4 of a mile away. She was trying to explain something about her belt getting stuck and that her pants didn't go all the way down in time. So in a nutshell, she pooped on herself. She walked to the other bathrooms, I was not going to drive her stinky ass, and she threw away her poopy panties and tried to wash some poop off her pants.
I grabbed a plastic bag out of my trunk and made her sit on it. It was a long ride home. I would go from laughing so hard I couldn't even see to drive to gagging so bad I thought I was going to puke. QT had a body mist that she was instructed to spray every 10 seconds or as needed. (Life saver, I think I would have died!)
Kristo made all of us promise that we would never speak of that day again. I think I broke my promise to her that same day. I wish I could have seen a baby bison be born but the alternative was so much better. I think that was the last trip that my hubs took with us.
